so i had this thought.

 it became a perfect phrase,

 before i had the chance to write it down,

 i lost it. then tonight.

 i was thinking about it again 

and came back to me

 but this time even better.

so i grabbed a pen and paper,

as i began to write..

my brother

made his grand entrance into the room.

and the thought ran away from me..

then,

i thought,

mabey i should stop trying so hard

and just say what i have to say

whether i think its perfect or not.

if you run a away,

you runaway.

all i ask

 is for you to not yell at me 

or hit me.

though i know u wont.

for my sainity

it had to be said.

i hope you understand.

-me

wish i had what i needed

to be on my own,

 cuz i feel so defeated

and im feeling alone.

in time my dear,
in time.

much love to ya'll,

specially if you still read this

Ziggy

june 9th

               4.5 months scince my last nightmare

june 12

                8 months scince i last  hurt myself

june 18

               Fathersday & Johnnys 17th

june 25th

           bens 21st  outing for some stake and ale and seaworld.

  life has its good and bad times but theres also those in between times. i wonder if theres even  a place in the in between. cuz if there is  thats where im at.  i will say.. its not a s uch a horible place so long as u continue to  go through it.  there is no stopin in the in beteween. for its there complancency is at its best. bieng at your worst may seem like forever. u conquer one and gain another not on purpose of course. most the time anyway. admitting theres things, ppl, places to miss, but  not from a hardened heart..  look back and smile on all youve been through  knowing your not done. it will still hurt. i promise you that. but if theres anything to have learned or learn. never stop. youll want to i did and somtimes i still do. i know better. ive hurt some of those closest to me, but whats done is done you cant go back. though they hurt from your actions you hurt as well. life must go on. you must go on. do whats in your heart to do. if your not sure. do what you  have most fun doing, cuz most likley thats what you were born to do what your meant to do. Dont let a fear of not knowing control your descions

i wish i realized this sooner. knowing what you would say to me, i know i knew this, but if i knew this why did i not pay attention? whys it taken me so long to understand the simplest of concepts. i used to be quicker i used to be better. how do i get back to that without gaining all that came with it? or must all of that be part of the gift. it cant be. mabey. can it. over the years its faded. only cuz i made it. i miss it. i miss you and him. and her. i want it back. you would say i should be asking myself if i really want this? if i ask that it just means im afraid of it.  what good would i be if i was afraid it? right. i need to grasp this and run with it. this time im on  my own least for a while. our time has come. are you ready? duh course your ready. u always have beenthose dreams are window to the future.

*sigh.

i love my life!!!

mabey someone like me is not meant to love.

mabey someone like me is not meant to be held.

mabey somone like me should just forget about  love.

why?

when  i was created to love

when i was created to hold

when  love never absent.

well..... i need to talk to my father.. not sure what it is thats stoppin me ither.  but i need to do it and i need to do it soon. life is so crazy  but its crazy in a  calm way.

  newms,

        im sorry i didnt understand your post i read it over multiple times and i still didnt understand. somthin in me is changing im not sure what  but i know its good. i know its for  the better.  a bit scary, yes, but im looking more foward to this then anything in my entire life. im excited for the near  and far future. hm. i guess this when you  begin to tell me life goes on..and its just one of those things.

*sigh